The Skinny: Quick Recipes

If I haven’t said it before, I’ll make it known now. I am lazy. I’m so lazy that I can’t bend over to pick the remote control up off the floor. I’m so lazy that while I’m working out I’m thinking about what shows I want to watch when I settle into bed later (730pm), I’m so lazy that….you get the point. Yeah, I was too lazy to even finish that sentence.

Anyway, ususally the recipes I post are easy as sh*t, contain the least amount of ingredients possible, come with a swift clean up, and are able to be scarfed down fast so that you can go back to doing nothing. I mean, why aren’t all recipes this way? If I even bother to pick up a cook book, it damn well better not have more than 5-7 items required to cook/bake it. I don’t want to head over to the grocery store and rummage the aisles for stuff I can’t wear or put on my face. Wait, scratch that. I don’t think I’ve ever rummaged in an aisle for something to wear, but that’s besides the point. More than 5-7 easy to grab items? I’ll stick with Gorilla Munch. Thanks.

So, in coherence with my languorous and indifferent lifestyle, I provide you with these…

Gluten Free Pancakes

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1 large ripe banana
2 eggs
2 tbs coconut flour or gluten free pancake mix (which is what I use because I am a lazy sloth).
(Optional Additions: cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice, vanilla extract, almond flour or nut butter (substitute the coconut flour).
Blend all the ingredients in a blender until there are no lumps. DO NOT for any reason whisk anything by hand. That is for people who are full of vigor, energetic as f*ck and who organize their recipts by purchase type. Heat a non-stick skillet with the grease of your choice (olive oil, butter etc.) over medium-low heat. Pour two tablespoons of the batter in the skillet. It’s thin, so the pancakes will be very flimsy so check yourself before you flip. After a few minutes, gently turn to the other side. Repeat for remaining batter, greasing the pan after every couple of pancakes. This is easy. If you don’t spill any batter you don’t have much to clean afterwards either.
Asparagus & Parmesan Fritatta
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1 bunch asparagus
8 eggs
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese 

Break eggs into a bowl and beat with a fork

Add the cheese to the eggs. (I don’t care for cheese – I’d rather get my fat from dessert but parmesan is low fat so whatever).

Steam the asparagus until just tender.

Heat a 12″ nonstick skillet. Spray with cooking spray or add a little olive oil or butter. Add egg mixture and place asparagus into the eggs. Cook over medium heat for about 30 seconds. Place under broiler until top is barely set, but not overdone. Do not overcook the eggs. I repeat do not. This is hard to do for a lazy person anyway because it’s not like you want to stand around waiting for it to be overcooked. If anything – you’ll undercook them because you’re so impatient. They should still be just a little soft. Slip it out onto a plate and you’re done. Cut into wedges. Or rip into wedges. Whatever.

Homemade Energy Bars

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2 cups pitted dates

1 cup dried fruit & nuts

Don’t let the “energy” part fool you. These are fuel for lazy people. Eat one, work out and then go back to bed. Or eat one, don’t work out and go back to bed. I obviously choose the former because I’m lazy, not a fatty. Don’t get those two twisted.

 In a food processor, blend the dates. At first they will become finely chopped. As you continue to let the food processor run, they will eventually stick together again until a big ball forms. Stop once the ball forms. Add in dried fruit and nuts. Pulse for a few seconds until nuts and fruits are chopped into finer pieces and mixed into the date mixture, but stop before the nut and dried fruit pieces completely dissolve into the date mixture. The mixture may loosen up from ball form with the addition of fruits and nuts. That’s okay, relax.
Take your energy bar mixture and press onto a small pan lined with parchment paper. Press down firmly so that the energy bar becomes compact and the nuts and fruits are firmly embedded into the date mixture. Energy bar mixture should be about 1/2 inch in thickness.
Chill for about 1 hour, or longer because you’ll probably forget about them. Remove from fridge and using a sharp knife, cut to desired bar lengths. You can wrap any uneaten portions and store in fridge until you want to eat them too. I usually do things like this and then forget they even exist. Yes. I like to purchase and make food for it to go bad before I even try it. I am infamous for this in my home.

Black Bean Soup

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1 medium onion, chopped

1 32 oz. can of black beans

1/2 cup salsa verde

1 T. olive oil

1 t. sea salt

1/4 t. pepper

*Now I know that list looks long and tedious but it’s still within the 5-7 ingredient range….

In a large sauce pan, cook the onion in the olive oil over medium heat until softened.

Add the black beans in their liquid, the salsa verde, and about 1/2 cup water.

Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer for about 15 minutes.

Remove from heat, stir in salt and pepper and blend with an immersion blender until somewhat smooth. Leave some chunks of bean in there, you’re lazy and impatient and doing this will taste good as well as get you out of the kitchen faster. I hate standing, let alone cooking.

Top with guacamole, or chopped tomatoes, or tortilla strips. Super easy, and so tasty. You can use any salsa, but I feel that the salsa verde makes it taste more restaurant-y and more authentic, if you know what I mean. Skip the tortilla chips you fatty. We all know you’re not planning on working out after dinner. You will be lounging on the couch with your iPad thinking you should do 3 sets of 12 ballet squats during the commercial. You won’t.

Flourless Peanut Butter Cake

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4 eggs
5 ounces peanut butter (weigh this out on a scale) – make sure it’s low fat. This isn’t for cheat day.
3/4 cup sugar (use brown sugar, a organic sweetner or even applesauce as a replacement )

Grease a 6 or 7 inch round pan. Then line with parchment paper on sides and on bottom. You need to line with parchment paper because cake will stick even if you grease the damn thing. You are lazy. You don’t want to create extra work by not lining the pan with parchment paper.  In addition, greasing it first makes the parchment paper stick better to the pan. Preheat oven to 350F. Beat eggs on highest speed with mixer until triple in volume, about 6 minutes. Make sure you beat the eggs long enough. This cake depends on the egg volume. Add in sugar and beat for another minute.
Measure out peanut butter into a glass bowl. Add in 1/3 of the egg mixture. Stir with a spatula in the same clockwise direction until all of the egg is mixed in and no streaks remain. Then add another 1/3 of egg mixture and stir again until no egg streaks remain. Pour in remaining third and make sure to scrape the foam that sticks to the mixing bowl into the batter and stir until no streaks remain. Make sure you are stirring by hand gently and not beating in the peanut butter, otherwise you will deflate the eggs too much.
Pour batter into pan. Bake for 20-25 minutes until knife inserted comes out clean. Let cake cool before cutting and serving.

Now this seems tedious to me so I haven’t tried it yet. If anyone makes it let me know – or save me the work and a piece.

I hope I have assisted your sedentry lifestyle in providing these low maintenence recipes. Your other option is to starve or have others cook/bake these for you. I usually rotate between two, but see what works for you. An extreme option is to hire a cook. I do not have the funds to do so – they are allocated to purchasing material goods, not services. Especially not servies that don’t render beauty/fashion gains. I’m not a fan of such services. If you can afford a cook – f*ck you.

xoxo

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