Halloween is around the corner, and so are the 3-5 lbs you may gain by popping mini chocolates like pills. I’m going to take the roles of both Debbie Downer and Miserable Melinda (what?) and ingrain some sh*t into your minds that’ll take years to forget.
1. Starburst – 8 pieces = 160 calories.
Sounds okay right? NO. Misleading all over the place. Boasting “flavored with real fruit juice” these little suckers are loaded with corn syrup and hydrogenated oils—AKA sugar and fat. AKA the kick in the ass that sends you flailing into Christmas like, 10 pounds heavier than you were this past summer. Since each Starburst square is 20 calories, to burn off a recommended serving of eight pieces, you’d have to do about 50 minutes of Pilates. If you so choose to pop until you can’t stop then make sure you’re eating them on the treadmill.
2. York Peppermint Patties – 3 minis = 150 calories.
These motherf*ckers are made to ruin my life. Yours too. They may be a low-fat food, as their package claims, but each miniature Peppermint Pattie still contains about 50 calories. “The dark chocolate on the outside isn’t so bad, but that creamy filling is all sugar. Unless you can find a way to eat around the filling, you’re f*cked. My advice? Add some peppermint to your mocha or tea. I mean, it’s nothing compared to the real thing, but I’m trying my best here. Peppermint Pattie is getting a beat down from Slim Sally.
3. Candy Corn – 19 pieces = 140 calories.
Again, the caloric amount doesn’t sound so bad. If you’re planning on stuffing your face with these addictive candies then tack on an minute to your workout for each one you guiltily eat. Of course, that’s not even taking into consideration the fact that the body won’t burn 140 calories of pure sugar as effectively as it would a balanced 140 calories of protein and fats. Yes this is obvious. But if you’re eating candy for protein you need to go stop reading this and open a f*cking book. Shameful.
4. Reese Peanut Butter Pumpkins – 2 cups = 350 calories.
Okay. It’s karma that my absolute favorite chocolate ever made in life would carry the highest calorie count. F*ck you. The seasonal, Jack-o-lantern-shaped version of this PB and chocolate staple is larger (and more caloric) than the plain old circles sold year-round—350 calories in a “King Size” pack of two, versus just 210 for one. Okay, well that makes me feel better. Candies with nuts or peanut butter have more protein, so they may satisfy you a bit more—but they’ll also have more fat and still plenty of sugar, so you shouldn’t really think of them as healthy options. This seems like common sense but common sense is usually put on hold when it comes to chocolate. Especially these.
5. Caramel Apples 1 apple = 250-350 calories.
Wow. Just when you thought it was safe. The cold, hard facts come to bend you over. I mean, It depends how thick you pour on the caramel coating and whether it’s dipped in extras like nuts or sprinkles, but most caramel apples will run you about 300 calories or more. To burn it off, you’re looking at about 40 minutes of moderate effort on the rowing machine, or something similar. Considering I like mine covered in half the candy isle at Target it looks like I’ll be getting a nice long back workout this Thursday.
6. Hershey’s Milk Chocolate 3 snack size bars = 190 calories.
God. The “snack size” usually makes me feel a little less gluttonous and a little more in control than actually eating a full sized bar, but the small print begs to differ. Perhaps that’s why the suggested serving size is three bars, or 190 calories—a snack that will take about 59 minutes of light to moderate weight lifting to burn off. Okay so if you plan on eating the allotted serving size, take a few and put the rest away. Or try and give away all your Halloween candy instead of hoarding it under your pillow for 3 am snacking. People do that right? Right??
7.Skittles 1 pack = 250 calories.
On sh*t son. This is brutal. I don’t know anyone who refuses a pack of skittles. Those gross round sugary candy necklace things? Sure. But Skittles? Heck no. Your innate desire to “taste the rainbow” better also come with a desire to spend at least 30 minutes on a stair climber. Without stopping. Seems fair to me.
Anyways, now that you’re aware of the calorie content (and associated fat and sugar content) in your favorite Halloween candy you’re free to gorge on anything that isn’t included on this list. I don’t see any Twix minis, Snickers or bags of chips on here? Do you? In all honesty though, Halloween comes once a year, but be picky. These treats may say “fun size” on the wrapper but I’m dead serious when I say that there ain’t nothing fun about having to lie down on a hard surface in order to zip up your jeans. Nothing.
Happy Halloween xoxo
(Oh, and I was obviously kidding about the gorging.) This should be self explanatory but you never know.