You know that feeling you get when you’ve rummaged through all 3516056 shirts, pants, skirts, dresses, sweaters and shoes in your wardrobe and still can’t find a thing to wear? Devestating right?
Yeah? Well f*ck you you materialistic bitch. I’m sure you shed tears when your climate control stops working, or when your $500 booties make that squeaky sound when you walk, or when you face that tough decision over which lipstick shade to wear in the – oh. This sounds all too familiar. Please disregard.
ANYWAY what I was trying to get into before that little nugget of self realization and subsequent shame was that I have a solution to all that floundering for an outfit every morning.Take the nearest article of clothing and put it on. Close your eyes and pick out the next article of clothing your hands find – put that on. Rummage in your bin of laundry, pick an article of clothing that smells faintly of sweat from last night’s cardio session and – put that shit on too. Slip on a pair of your most dazzling flats or stilettos, grab a designer satchel, or if you don’t have one of those a Whole Foods lunch bag will also do (very similar in price and status), and strut out of that house like you own the place.
Still don’t get it?
I’ll allow Ashish to showcase it for you…
Now I know what you’re thinking –
I have a sudden urge for a Coke that only rich folk can afford to look like they’re homeless but I assure you that you too can re-create these timeless looks with the tips I’ve provide above.
Take this last look for example; it boasts ease of effort and respects the qualms of anti – capitalists and environmentalists everywhere. You’re also incorporating healthy eating and keeping the Earth clean by toting your banana peels instead of throwing them out as rubbish. People in the streets should be calling out your name and applauding you.
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are retreating into the sleeves of their capes in shame for not coming up with this idea first and unicorns are stabbing themselves to death in horror in response to you hoarding the glitter supply and stripping them of their identity.
Tread softly, for you hold a precious gem of fashion insider information but go ahead, use it all at once. There’s always an unlimited number of mismatched socks and glitter to help yourself to.
On a side note: Those sweatpants need to be on my legs. I’ve saved the bits of drool coming out of my mouth to rub into them. You know I keeps it authentic.